Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
