I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
