You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
