you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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