I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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