you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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