Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
