I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
