Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
