I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
NoShamevember. You game?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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