do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
