I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
