Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
as a side note pls kill me
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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