I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
