why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
