Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
