i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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