hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
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