i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
