Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
