woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Randomize
