what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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