Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
