U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize