So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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