Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
