You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
