if i can run in heels then i can drive
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
