My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
