god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
