I wish I could teleport
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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