Umm I'm too high to move.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
