it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize