I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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