I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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