i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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