and i looked up. we had an audience...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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