I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
