I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
