the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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