I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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