I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
it's great music for shaving your balls
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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