Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
