I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize