happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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