the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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