Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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