Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
