i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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