Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
