totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
