I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
