I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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