just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
