im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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