everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize