Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Im part way to drunk.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
