I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
