On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
