I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
