...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
